Sarah Gillings - Class of 2002 - Artist

Describe your experience during the tragedy.

I was in the commons in a lunch line nearest to the student parking lot. I was with my best friend Chris. When everything started I remember looking at the clock and seeing I didn’t have much longer till English class. I was thinking, “I should be in the library working on my Government project”. I had my headphones on, a song that started, “This is my church. This is where I heal my hurts.” With the first explosion (outside) I was confused. Coach Sanders ran by me yelling as every one crawled under the tables. I thought it was a prank or a drill – more a prank by a senior. I just stood there watching. I snapped out of it when Chris pulled me down and put his arms around me protecting me. When we got outside I watched as if it weren’t me standing there with all of my friends… Well almost all of them. Some were still inside. “Where’s my Daddy? I want my Daddy…”

How has the healing process been for you over the past ten years?

Well healing from anything is hard. I had survivor’s guilt and with out a physical wound I didn’t feel like I should be feeling so out of place. I went on a trip that summer to my Grandma’s farm in Michigan and all along the way I was wearing my Columbine tee and sweats. I felt like I was being stared at and gawked at.

After three more of my friends were killed (car accident and murdered) I snapped. I felt like if I stayed, I would die. We moved. When I got into a new school (one quart the size of CHS) I lied I said I went to Chatfield and Columbine became a bad word. I didn’t use it and if I did I said “CHS” and anyone who really knew me knew what I meant. There were people who found out and taunted me. If someone wanted to hurt me worse than just words they said, “You should have been shot.” or “I wish you would have died.” Others have asked me to talk to their children and even groups of people.

Eventually I turned to my photography and design to deal with my pain and express it. Before I worked on projects just to move my thoughts away from what I was thinking. I kept journals then brought it out visually. I cried – a lot. I felt as if I kept dyeing and becoming more of a freak. I got to the point where I couldn’t talk about it any more, as if I was intruding on my family and friends.

After I was awarded for my work it brought on a whole new feeling. I didn’t feel like a freak but became ok with my own skin and thoughts. I felt I could finally live my life.

Update me on your professional life - what have you been doing over the past ten years?

When the shooting happened I was in my freshman year. So for nine of these years I have been in school and University. This past year I graduated from University and gave birth to my beautiful daughter Lillian. Since I graduated in May of 2008 I have been a stay at home mom and freelance photographer and graphic designer.

Describe your professional goals.

Currently I am looking for a job in the Design field.

About your artwork:

How many pieces have you done that were inspired by the tragedy?

Two directly Alternative Demise and Untitled. Many, many more have been influenced and would not have happened other wise.

Can you describe your favorite ones?

The first, Alternative Demise, is a photographic montage depicting a path filled with temptation, fear and death. Trees became drug needles and shadows lurked behind head stones. Untitled is a drawing of over powering the serpents intruding on my thoughts and dreams.

What exactly is it about Columbine that you tried to communicate in your art about the tragedy?

I was trying to describe Columbine or how I felt about it. I was trying to visually describe my internal emotions as a result of such horrible things.

Why did you decide to do art that related to Columbine?

I need to get out everything I was feeling before I hurt someone or myself. I needed to not be so mad.

Did you have any reservations about it?

No. It wasn’t like putting a red stamp on it saying this is because of Columbine. It was more of if you knew, you knew.

How did your art help your healing process?

It helped give me an outlet and made me really search for who I was to become. It gave viewers a chance to see it and understand my pain, my triumph, and that I was not just a statistic.

What has been some of the reaction to your work by others? Is there a memorable moment that stands out of someone's reaction?

I have my work posted on line and some of my mom’s coworkers saw it on MySpace. One pulled my mom aside, kind of bewildered… their conversation was as follows:

Jamie: Have you seen Sarah’s MySpace page.
Mom: Yes she showed me last night.
Jamie: Her work is really scary aren’t you worried? (meaning Alternative Demise)
Mom: No. In fact I love her work it tells me she is dealing instead of bottling. She doesn’t talk about it. If she weren’t doing this work then I would be worried. (Yea go mom!)

My grandmother was embarrassed. After I took first and third in the same photo competition, I was on the front page of our town’s paper. People stopped my grandmother and asked her how she felt. She was worried and asked me to stop.

Other people in the community sent my congratulations cards and copies of the article.

Have other survivors seen your work? What are their reactions to it?

Honestly, I don’t know.

Where has your work ended up? (Did you sell it etc.)

I have not sold it. But it has been in shows and published in the paper and on line.

How long did each piece take you to do?

Some can take as little as 10 hours others can take up to 50. On average my work can take up to 25 hours.

When did you do them?

I mostly worked on them during college. After seeing the memorial in December I haven’t felt the need to make more. I feel so much of a release and not as much fear of where I am from.

Have you been involved in any other Columbine-related projects?

No. I feel kind of forgotten.

Has Columbine influenced your career goals? If so, how?

Well, Mrs. H was my first photography teacher. She helped me find my love of the art. She is apart of Columbine so yes.

How did Columbine affect your spirituality? (Were you religious before or no? Did you become religious after?)

I was not religious. But it feels now like something is missing and I don’t know if that is the church. I believe in God and Jesus but I just don’t feel like I belong in a church. Or maybe I just haven’t found the right church. Jesus and Columbine have felt like they are one in the same when being talked about. Either someone loves or they hate you.

Had Columbine happened, how would you be different personally and professionally?

I can’t answer that. I don’t think I would have grown up and gone to college or found what I was looking for. I wouldn’t have my love or my little girl.

Looking around at the world today, what changes (positive OR negative) do you see as a result of Columbine?

When there is another shooting anywhere in the world it is always compared. It is always there. I think it has made people more aware but on the other hand it has been sensationalized.

Brooks Brown - Class of 1999 - Author

Describe your experience during the tragedy.

Not really going to recount this part at length - it's rather difficult. Ran into Eric in the parking lot and he told me to leave. As I finished my cigarette off school grounds I heard the gunshots. Following the shooting I was exiled by the community, called a murderer, had my life threatened by many people, and had the CBI and Sheriff's office work their best to silence what my family and I were saying - that was had warned the police and the school over a dozen times and they had done nothing.

How has the healing process been for you over the past ten years?

It's been a long journey, to say the least. Thanks to the events I was emotionally stunted - and still am to an extent. Unable to deal with the feelings I regressed into the classic teenager at the age of 20 and acted out in extreme ways. I took to drinking and smoking to relax, and got tattoos and dyed my hair every color. Over time - thanks to my family and close friends - I didn't ever fall apart in terrible ways, and soon quit drinking and smoking. A major influence of this was the work I did with youth and my writing.

As I finished my book and began doing tours talking about school violence and youth violence, I was able to feel that I made an impact on the world and that greatly changed my perspective. After Bowling for Columbine that grew, and I was able to realize that the world wasn't filled with short sighted imbeciles, and that I could actually change things for the better. After feeling that I had no control for a long time, that was nice.

As of last year, I quit smoking, and began getting my life in order with steady work and a lot of passion for the things I was doing.

Update me on your professional life - what have you been doing over the past ten years?

I've been writing. I did pieces for NPR, various blogs, newspapers, websites and more. As over last year I am now a web producer at Lucasfilm and Lucasarts - a dream job for me.

Describe your professional goals.

I don't really have any. I just want to enjoy what I am doing and utilize my skills fully. I'm able to do that now, so my ambition is to keep it up.

About your book:

Title: No Easy Answers
Co-Authors: Rob Merritt
Published: 2002

How long did it take you to write it?

1.5 years from concept to completion

How many books have sold and what outlets sell it?

I don't say sales numbers on principle, and it sells at Borders, Barnes and Noble and everywhere else.

Do the profits go to charities?

No.

Describe the plot and the main messages of the book.

It is a profile not of the killers, but the environment that they lived within.

Why did you decide to write it?

I had told me story many times, and ultimately felt that the story needed to be available.

What sorts of reactions have you received from readers?

Depending on the person - those who were bullied champion it as a good case, those who are religious decry it, as do Littletonites.

What reaction do you want readers to take from it?

That Columbine was not only preventable, EASILY preventable.

Have you seen any changes as a result of your book or does a personal response from a reader stand out?

Multiple hand written letters from youth who tell me my book made them feel like they weren't alone is quite an accomplishment.

Did you have any reservations about writing the book?

No.

How did other survivors react to your book?

Brian Rohrbaugh, father of a slain child whom I have strong difference in ideology called it an important book for everyone to read.

Have you been involved in any other Columbine-related projects?

The conceptual and production phases of Bowling for Columbine, and helped with the creation of Columbinus, an award winning play.

Has Columbine influenced your career goals? If so, how?

I've actually moved on from it - I would not say I've healed completely since the pain is still there. However, I no longer live in the world of youth violence. As I've learned countless times, people are unwilling to change or to see such things happening around them, so they quite deserve what they get. As I told MSNBC, I feel sorry for the children that die because they won't see the cause.

How did Columbine affect your spirituality?

Was atheist before, am Atheist now.

Had Columbine happened, how would you be different personally and professionally?

I would have gone to college so everything would have changed.

Looking around at the world today, what changes (positive OR negative) do you see as a result of Columbine?

Youth violence prevention is now not only for the inner city black areas of the country, it is now moving out to the burbs. As such, school shootings have increased in their velocity. However, Columbine itself has spawned an over-sensitivity to the things that parents at the time blamed (videogames, movies, and more) which has stunted America's artistic growth.

To purchase Brooks's book, click here.

Liz Carlston - Class of 2000 - Author

Describe your experience during the tragedy

In high school I played power forward on Columbine High School’s girls varsity basketball team. The weekend before prom I met with our head coach to set expectations for the upcoming season, which would be my senior year. Coach Sanders and our team had just completed our first winning season in twelve years. He showed our team how to work together and be united. I admired his leadership and kindness. I didn’t know that would be the last time I’d see him alive.

The following Tuesday, two male Columbine seniors carried out what was to date, the worst school shooting in U.S. history. I was in my trigonometry class (opposite side of the school from shooters) when the massacre began. Suddenly, fire alarms went off and in a confused panic, teachers escorted us outside to wait. We watched with morbid fascination as ambulances, police cars, and the SWAT team surrounded our school. When the rampage ended, 13 people had been murdered and 25 others were injured, some very seriously. Coach Sanders died of gunshot wounds after saving students by clearing out the crowded lunchtime cafeteria.

I was one of the lucky ones who didn’t see the actual violence or have to live with the gruesome images that replay in a person’s mind afterward. I did have to deal with the death of friends and I had to learn how to be sensitive about letting others grieve at their own pace.

How has the healing process been for you over the past ten years?

Looking back, my senior year was probably the most difficult because I really buried my emotions -- it didn’t seem to be appropriate to show visible pain and anger (looking back, probably not the healthiest way to deal with the tragedy). I lost my innocent view of the world and the ability to readily trust people. It was unfair that my basketball coach and my friends were taken from me and from all of us.
I often didn’t know how to respond to others who were hurting and felt guilty and angry in my inadequacy. Because my self-pity and anger smoldered for so long, it was hard to recognize them as problems, let alone get rid of them. People thought I was difficult and found it hard to get along with me. I had to dig deeply to understand the turmoil that was going on in my mind so I could find a healthy way to address it.

It took several years for me to recognize and acknowledge these issues. I didn’t work through these issues alone. I relied on prayer, friends, family, and trusted in the Savior’s healing atonement to mend my wounded heart. The key was not being afraid of facing these weaknesses head on and then make them right by following the example of those who model good behavior.

Professionally, what have you been doing over the past ten years?

After graduating from Columbine in May 2000, I attended Brigham Young University to earn a Bachelors of Arts degree in Public Relations. I served an 18-month Spanish-speaking LDS mission at the Oakland Temple Visitors Center in California before finishing my degree in 2005. My first post-college job was at a technology public relations agency in Palo Alto, California. I got into a handful of business schools (Pepperdine, UC Davis, BYU), but gave up my California dream to work and attend school in Utah as I was recruited by a publishing company in Salt Lake to be a publicist and marketing specialist. Halfway through business school I switched jobs to broaden my business school experience. I became a product manager where I led cross-functional teams in launching multi-million dollar product lines through the mass-market retail channel (Walmart, Target, Bed, Bath & Beyond). I completed my MBA in July 2008 at the University of Utah. Marketing and product development have been fun fields to work in as well as being sources of income. But for me, I’m most passionate about writing, which I’ve done professionally since 2003 (newspaper, magazine, books).

Describe your professional goals.

I want to become a marketing executive and write a bestselling novel.

About your book:

Title: "Surviving Columbine: How Faith Helps Us Heal When Tragedy Strikes"

Co-authors: Michael Johnson, Amber Huntington, Kathy Johnson (Mike’s mom)

Published: Spring 2004

How long did it take you to write?

Writing took about 3 months, getting a publisher took 18 months

How many sold?

I think it sold about 10K copies and was a bestseller at the time (bestseller status is measured by quantity sold over a period of weeks rather than total units sold). It was sold through Amazon, Deseret Book retail (41 stores), Barnes & Noble (regional, Western states), Borders (regional)

Do the profits go to any charities?

All of my royalties/profits went to the LDS Perpetual Education Fund – it provides students in vulnerable countries with the necessary resources to receive training at a University or trade school. Once they begin their career, they then pay back their student loan so that other individuals can take advantage of the program. It wouldn’t have been right for me to make money off of the book (shooting).

Describe the plot and main messages of the book.

The book is a chronological narrative told by three students with vastly different experiences, but united in their Christian faith and knowledge that God was at Columbine that day. Mike was shot multiple times outside of the cafeteria – his mom offers dialogue for when he was in surgery at the hospital. Amber was in the library when the shooting began and hid with others under one of the back tables while the gunmen reloaded their weapons on top of their table. I was in my math class and gathered with others in the park across the street before reuniting with my mom at Leawood. My dad waited at the public library for my freshman sister Kathy. Kathy was trapped in the science classroom with 60 other students and Coach Sanders. It was a terrible day that produced many months and years of grieving and trauma.

Many asked the question, why did God let such a horrible thing happen to those kids? Our faith (LDS) teaches that God – Heavenly Father -- has a plan for us and He has given man agency to act according to his conscience, to choose whether we will do what Heavenly Father asks us to do (keep the commandments and do good) or to choose wickedness. Columbine was a painful and difficult example of agency. While many people dwell on the bad, there were also many moments when faith was strengthened. For me, it helped me gain a clear understanding of Christ’s role in our Heavenly Father’s plan and that He can heal our hurts and give us strength to push forward with joy.

Why did you decide to write it?

I felt we had important messages to share.
1. I didn’t want the experience to be in vain or forgotten.
2. I wanted to help others discover for themselves how you can have peace and move on with your life despite tragedy.
3. I wanted to help others understand how Heavenly Father will be there to extend comfort, peace, and understanding in times of great difficulty.

What sorts of reactions have you received from readers?

We’ve had very positive feedback and expressions of gratitude from readers. I think for many people, it was an event so horrific, that human nature has a fascination with the macabre aspects of the day. We have found that there was a bigger audience looking for faith and inspiration from our experiences.

What reactions do you want readers to take from it?

We want people to remember to be kind to one another. Having faith in Christ and in our Heavenly Father’s plan will provide you with the peace and reassurance that you need to persevere in this life with happiness and joy. We are living, breathing examples of people that faced tremendous opposition where we could have been depressed and broken, but like so many other Columbine students, emerged with greater faith and confidence to face the challenges of this world and to lift others along the way.

Have you seen any changes as a result of your book or does a personal response from a reader stand out at all?

I’ve received dozens of cards and letters from readers all over the country. Often they share their personal tragedy as well as a few lines of gratitude for us sharing our experiences. I think there is tremendous strength and hope in knowing how much we really have in common with each other despite the uniqueness of individual hardship. It is hope, faith, and a determination to be happy that unite us.

Has Columbine influenced your career goals at all?

With all of the media attention that came, it definitely amplified my interest in pursuing a degree in public relations (dealing effectively with the media). That then became a great springboard for me into the marketing side of business.

Did you have any reservations about writing about Columbine?

My initial reservations came when I asked myself, “What are your former friends and classmates going to think? Will they be mad that you’re publishing this story?” That was a big doubt that often surfaced in the beginning while working on the book. I couldn’t stop remembering a basketball game we played against our rival Chatfield at DU in 2000. Coach Sanders was up for an ESPY award and we were playing that evening in a huge arena. Several reporters from the local news stations were there and wanted us for a short interview before the game. We all felt we had been burned by the media so many times already that no one spoke to the reporters. Deep down, I thought it would have been appropriate for one of Coach Sanders players to share their gratitude for his example and life, but we were too pissed off at the media to do the right thing. When writing about Columbine, I often fear that other survivors my have a bitter or resentful reaction – probably because they’re not in a good spot or healed. But I no longer let that fear bother me because I feel that writing about the experience to share the lessons we learned from that day is the right thing to do.

How did Columbine affect your spirituality?

I was spiritual before Columbine and very active in my church’s activities and friendships. For me, Columbine represented a conceptual lessons that became tangible and very real. As friends were unexpectedly killed, it made me question and solidify my beliefs. Do I really believe that God loves us and is aware of our challenges? – yes. Do I really believe that there is life after death and I will see my friends again?– yes. Do I really believe that I can feel happiness and joy again? – yes. How can I truthfully answer yes to these questions? I have felt the Lord’s love when I have needed to and I have felt His spirit confirm these truths.

Had Columbine not happened, how would you be different, personally and professionally?

That’s a question I can’t answer because I don’t know anything different. Columbine happened. It was a hard experience to deal with, but I’m grateful to have gone through it as it has made me more empathetic, more understanding, more grateful, more faithful, more engaged, and more loving.

Looking around at the world today, what changes (positive OR negative) do you see as a result of Columbine?

There is a lot of diversity in the world in terms of culture, upbringing, and personal experiences. While I would have loved for Columbine to have been the last school shooting of its kind, it wasn’t. Our hurt and experiences didn’t matter to the Virginia Tech shooter. It couldn’t. We are each faced with our own unique set of circumstances and obstacles. Columbine changed me. It gave me a glimpse into the tremendous darkness and evil that a person can claim. At the same time, it offered a different glimpse of the goodness of people measured in the response of medical personnel and community members, the cards, flowers, and gifts sent to us from all over the world, the kind smiles of strangers that lifted my spirit. Because of the great support we received, I was prepared to offer support when the opportunity came. When the Virginia Tech incident took place, I organized an effort at the University of Utah that sent 250 comfort blankets to students at VT. After the Columbine shooting, the comfort blankets were a token given to us by community members to help us feel safe and protected again. It was an awesome thing to be a part of sharing that gift with another victim of extraordinary violence.

I think the changes that result from Columbine are up to each individual that lived through it or who takes a close look to explore the tragedy. For better or worse, we own our individual destiny and I know that our journey is a lot more enjoyable and rewarding with a positive and faith-filled outlook. We have the responsibility to help and lift each other along the way.

If you would like to purchase Liz's book, click here.